It is a sad day indeed for queer communities across America.

I think queer people of my generation particularly should take a minute to reflect on the struggles and fights Del and her partner lived through so that our lives could be easier then theirs.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/27/BAGI12JDIS.DTL&tsp=1

This is going to be a long one, peeps.

This past weekend marked three years since I took my first testosterone shot. It feels like it’s been so long, so much longer than three years. Of course, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to jabbing a needle in my ass, but it’s the living as a man 100 percent of the time that I’m used to, and often take for granted.

Surprisingly, I’m still experiencing physical changes. I have thicker, dark hair over 85-90 percent of my body.  Today was weird.  I was laying in my bed today (naked, of course) and noticed that I’m really fucking HAIRY.  The body hair isn’t that thick, the individual hairs I mean, but there’s a lot of it and it’s getting darker.  Provided it keeps growing, I could be a bear on my fifth year mark.   My facial hair is still coming in slowly. I have a bit all over my jawline, but it’s not all that thick and I have to let it grow for about a week for most people to see from a distance. I still can’t grow a mustache to save my life, but my neck hair is really thick and will grow quite long if I don’t shave.  I do have some hair on one side of my chin, but I usually shave that off even if I’m letting the rest grow because it just looks dumb.

Health wise, I’m not sure how I’m doing.  I was due to see my doctor in a few days, (the 28th, to be exact) it’s been six months since my last doctor’s appointment.  I’ve lost 28 lbs, I’m hoping that counts for something.  My pants are falling off me, even with a belt so it fucking better!

In other news, I’ve moved.  Back to Canada.  It’s great to be in my home country in a familiar city with so much to do, but at the same time I feel lost.  Even though I’ve lived most of my life in larger cities, I’ve always felt more at home in smaller towns, especially in the country.  It’s not only move to the city, it’s the feeling that I’ve lost my best friend.  I’m not going to get into this too much in such a public venue, but Kacy and I are barely speaking.  It’s not that we hate each other or anything, things are just…different.  It does make me sad, she’s been a huge part of my life for so long but I think in order for me to completely move on with my life, it has to be this way.  For awhile, at least.

Anyway, I have my own apartment now.  It’s small, Probably not even 300 square feet.  It suits me though, and even though I’d ideally like something larger, it’s cozy.  It’s definitely not a long term space, but for the time being it’s good.  I’m a bit lonely, especially not having my dog with me.  I should be getting her back soon though, if I can figure out how I’m going to get her here.  The policy on shipping dogs is incredibly complicated, and Nashville is a really shitty location to be flying out of in general.  Most flights to Chicago, and Atlanta are done by smaller planes that aren’t equipped to carry animals.  The only other option is to have her sent directly to Toronto, which won’t work because she’s a pitbull and the province of Ontario has breed restriction legislation.  Needless to say, I’m feeling quite confused and overwhelmed right now.

Another thing I should mention is that I’m dating again.  I’ve been seeing a few people, but I haven’t met anyone that keeps my attention for very long.  I’m sure someone will come a long, but  at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m ready to get into anything serious.  At this point it has to be my way, or no way.  I don’t want to get into another relationship for the wrong reasons.  When I am ready, I want it to be…smooth?  I don’t want it to feel forced or anything like that.  I also want to retain my freedom and be able to go out with friends without feeling like I have to check in.

I think I also may have secured a job, but I’ll know for sure tomorrow.  I’m going to the job site at 9am to check things out a little and have them check me out.  It’s exterior painting.  It’s only for a month but I haven’t been able to find anything else.  I guess it’s good for right now.  It starts at $11 an hour and quicky goes up to as much as 15 an hour.  I’ve never done exterior painting, and I’m a bit afraid of heights, so we’ll see how it pans out.

It’s been quite awhile since I updated about my transition.

Things seems to be going well, for the most part. I’m approaching 3 years on hormones and the changes are still there, just not as often and drastic. I’m actually starting to grow some decent facial hair, which makes me incredibly happy. I’m usually clean shaven, but I like to have the option to grow it if I want to. I’m getting hairier all over. Including my back, shoulders and ass. My voice hasn’t changed in a long time, I think it’s at the range it’s going to stay at. I’m happy with it for the most part, I just have a hard time getting with normal male inflection. When I speak I sound totally gay a lot of the time, which doesn’t bother me for the most part, but since I’m straight it doesn’t help when the ladies are thinking I’m gay.

Have you ever wanted your own domain, but couldn’t be bothered with setting up hosting or learning html/css? Now you can have it free, with dot.tk. You’ll need to have a third party blog or website somewhere like WordPress or Geocities, but that’s all!

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?

My domain expired and since I don’t really have the attention span to keep a blog via my own hosting and domain name, I’m back here.  I’ll be writing, sporadically as usual.  Please feel free to comment as always.

Phew! The new site is now fully functional, and complete with forums, a gallery and links. Feel free to stop by and look around.

http://sprainedmind.org

TranArchy is moving, and will no longer be updated at this site.

For those who subscribe to my Livejournal feed, I will be updating once more when I get my site working, to let you know where you can find the new feed.

Thanks for your interest in this blog, I will let everyone know where to find the site when I figure stuff out.

- Linc

I’ve been wanting to make a post like this for years, but have been leery to do so. I’ve always felt the need to censor myself when it comes to issues on race and religion.

For the record…for those of you who don’t know me, I’m whitebread trailer trash. I make no effort to hide the fact that I was raised on welfare, and for a short time was on welfare myself.

I’m a member of a few queer sites, and a few that aren’t predominately queer, but have a large amount of queer users. I was talking to a friend today thru IM- we both frequent the same sites. She asked me why POC feel the need to create threads/groups/communities for them on such sites.

Apparently, she doesn’t get the racism that is rampant in a lot of queer communities.  Perhaps she just doesn’t see it.  I think it’s possible that the reason why she can’t/chooses not to see it is because it’s never been properly addressed.  From my experience, when such matters are addressed, it’s usually at a conference out of town.  You’d think that people would bring back some progessive ideas to their prospective queer communities on how to combat racism.

We just don’t see non-whites as queer.  Why?  Because most people can’t seperate the individual from the culture.  We see people of colour as being part of a group.  A white trans person is just a trans person…but a black person who is trans is a black trans person.

The feeling I got from the queer community when I first stumbled (quite literally) into it was this:  We welcome everyone with open arms, as long as you’re not different.  As long as you fit the notion of what we deem “queer”  is; you have a place here.

Now, I understand why people who don’t have white skin choose to branch off in the queer community.  Certain cultural needs cannot be fulfilled within mainstream (white) queer communities.  The need for comradarie as well serves as a foundation for such groups to thrive and grow.

The person who inspired this blog entry truly thinks it’s self-segregation.  I on the other hand think that it’s a great thing.  Non-white queers no longer have to leave behind a part of their identity to fit in with the queer community.

I’ve been thinking what we as white folks can do to change this.  The conclusion I came to is more simple than you may think.  Just admit there’s bigotry in the queer community.  Talk about it.  Don’t be afraid to ask people of colour what you can do.  Don’t be afraid to be part of the solution.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I have countless flaws and a somewhat seedy past. I’ve tried to make amends for past mistakes.  For the most part, fences were mended and I’ve moved on.  In those instances where it wasn’t possible to find common ground, I cut my losses and never looked back.

I’ve never understood why some people just can’t move on.  There’s this person who I once dated. Ok, more than dated, we lived together for over a year.  Things didn’t work out.  I did some things i really regret, but she wasn’t an angel either.

Anyway, I’ve moved on…found someone that I’m truly in love with, someone who respects me for me and who loves me unconditionally.  I desperately wanted to maintain a friendship with the ex, but everytime we’d spend time together, she’d make me feel guilty for finding happiness in someone other than her.

Eventually, over the holidays I went to meet my girlfriend in person, and she flipped.  Called my girl, text messaged her and sent several emails to me while I was visiting.  When I got back, she interrogated me about everything, including our sex life.  She would call me all hours of the night with some new guilt trip.

It’s been over a year and for some reason she just won’t move on.  I don’t fucking get it.

The other day she left a comment in my livejournal, spewing her usual venom.  I had to disable the option that allows people to post anonymously in my journal.

I guess what escapes me about the whole situation she doesn’t see that her stalking behavior is wrong.  She thinks it’s normal!  Yes, the way she stalks us has no grounds for legal retribution, but it’s still creepy as hell and fucking weird.  She’ll go visit my girlfriend’s website and read what she writes over there, just to see if she can find out what’s going on in our world.  It’s quite pathetic, actually.

Truth is, deep down I feel sorry for her.  She’s had a lot of pain in her life and she can’t really help the way she is.  She needs help, but is so used to the patterns she’s had for so long that it probably scares her.  I still feel bad for all that I put her through, but I’m getting past it.  There’s no excuse for what I did, but I realize now that I can’t dwell on it forever, and it’s in the past now.

All I want is to be left in peace to live the new life I’ve found with my girlfriend.

Finally got my shot today. It’s amazing how better I feel now that I’ve had it. I know it’s probably psychological and not at all physical because it doesn’t metabolize until around 10-14 days
The little funk I was in was probably psychosmatic as well. I was, after all getting my shot once every two weeks for quite awhile. I’ve only been taking it once a week for about a month…I’m sure my body wasn’t exactly freaking out.

I need to figure out if my laptop has a built in sound recorder or not. I haven’t made a voice recording in almost two months. It’s really important for me to keep logging the changes with my voice, because it won’t ever be same.

Speaking of changes, I’ve been noticing that I have to shave my peach fuzz more often, and the bits of facial hair I have grow a lot more fast than they were about a month and a half ago.